Wenger lives to fight another day. But it's lucky, lucky Arsenal

Will we look back one day and talk about the winter’s evening Arsene Wenger was 45 minutes from resigning his post as manager of quadruple European Champions Arsenal?

In five years, when Wenger is 67 (still three years younger than Sir Alex Ferguson is now), will we look back at the three highly fortunate goals, and sigh "Lucky, lucky Arsenal" like they used to in the 1930s when titles were ten-a-penny at Highbury.

I hope so. He’ll have been there 20 years by then. But some will remember.

That day in late January, 2012 when they were 2-0 down against Aston Villa at half-time? Not 48 hours after telling fans he was intent on winning the grand old FA Cup, the Frenchman from German-speaking Strasbourg found himself all at sea and sinking faster than a cruise ship captained by an Italian with wet socks.

Villa just did what Wolves, Fulham, Swansea and Manchester United have done in recent weeks. Exploited a flat-footed Arsenal defence. After a neat-interchange down the left, Robbie Keane’s teasing cross set up an aerial one-on-one between Laurent Koscielny (there are far better centrebacks in the local Sunday League than this particular Frenchman) and the old warhorse Richard Dunne. Only one winner. 1-0.

Then, with Arsenal pressing and the half-time pie beckoning, Villa did it again. Stephen Ireland set up Darren Bent, who timed his run to perfection before unleashing. Arsenal’s deputy Pole-in-goal Lucasz Fabianski blocked but Bent was there to finish the rebound. He generally has been throughout his career.

At half-time,  former England manager Graham Taylor witnessed Wenger being roundly booed by the Gooners and said: " You see your side in total control but you don't see the opposition goalkeeper worked, that is what is frustrating people."

That, and a six-year trophy drought. And that record-breaking three-match losing streak which has put Arsenal in danger of missing out on the four Champions League places.

But after the break, God smiled. Even Wenger smiled.

First Dunne, the opening goal scorer already booked, slides through Aaron Ramsey. Stupid challenge. He’d already lost the ball. Penalty but no sending off. Robin van Persie (who else?) slots it.

Minutes later, Walcott breaks down the right, beats one, cuts in and tries a stupid shot from a ridiculous angle. Given gets a touch, then Alan Hutton – yes, a former Spurs fullback – clears straight in to the unknowing Walcott and the ball bounces in, 2-2. How lucky was that?

And they were ahead on the hour when Koscielny of all people charged forward, perhaps fired-up by his half-time roasting for that first Villa goal. In slides Bent with a strikers tackle and it’s another penalty. Van Persie goes the other way. 3-2. A miracle.

Though there was a slight feeling that they may just have scored those three goals too soon, Arsenal held on.

Lucky? Oh yes. But a win’s a win. Wenger lives to fight another day. Specifically against Middlesbrough or Sunderland in round five towards the end of February.

On a weekend where we had witnessed the embarrassment of England's cricketers being skittled for 72 by Pakistan and Novak Djokovic winning the longest-ever Grand Slam final against Rafa Nadal in Melbourne, the Emirates was able to match the drama.

Amazing Grace comes crashing back to earth in the desert

BRANDEN GRACE came back to earth with a bump in the desert yesterday, finishing day one of the first big tournament of the season a distant eight shots behind joint leaders Robert Karlsson of Sweden and world No3 Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland.

After winning twice on the European Tour on home soil in South Africa, the 23-year-old sensation could only manage a 75 in the first round of the Abu Dhabi champions.

With the big guns back in action, Grace was hoping to match the late, great Seve Ballesteros with a third successive victory in the capital of the United Arab Emirates when the fourth round draws to a conclusion on Sunday night.

Grace won the year’s second tournament – the Johannesburg Open – and last week held off his heroes Ernie Els and Retief Goosen in a play-off to win the Volvo Golf Champions at Fancourt Links near his home town, George. He became the first professional since Fred Couples to win immediately after his debut tour triumph.

Before teeing off against world No1 Luke Donald (71), reviving superstar Tiger Woods (70) and the irrepressible US Open champion McIlroy (67), Grace said: "I just hope my game stays the way it is and my energy levels stay up.

"I've just been running with emotion. I'll keep playing and keep playing until I'm exhausted and until I find it's time to take a break."

But the Buffelsbaai pro struggled on the lush green oasis of the Abu Dhabi golf club, and is unlikely to feature among the leaders on Sunday night.

A third successive win was achieved by German Martin Kaymer two years ago – but his victories were not in consecutive weeks. The last to win three times in successive weeks on the European Tour was super Spaniard Ballesteros in 1986 at the Irish, Monte Carlo and French Opens.

Just a month after coming through the Tour qualifying school in Spain, Pretoria-born Grace has those two victories under his belt and after climbing 166 positions in the world rankings, he said: “Getting into the top 50, I think that is every player's goal. That would put me in the US Masters and to get into a Major would be an unbelievable year.

“If I could achieve that to get into the Masters, it would just be a highlight, indescribable.”

“I know for a fact I'll definitely take it easy the next couple of days, go out and play the Pro-Am in Abu Dhabi and take it from there.”

Grace, after three events of the 2012 season, still leads the Race to Dubai moneylist with R5.8 million in earnings, a fairy-tale start to the season.

“I'm looking forward to the next two weeks. I've always looked forward to playing in big tournaments. So I'm going back and making new goals and taking it from there.”

That round of 75 left him in joint 102nd place in a field of 129. He double bogeyed the par four fifth and turned in 38 and came through the second nine just one over regulation. But the man now ranked 92 in the world was two shots clear of Kaymer, the world No4 who also suffered a horrific opening day in the desert.

And he was doing slightly better than the home favourites. Ahmed Al Musharrekh, the only Emirati in the field, carded a nine over par 81 while Stuart Fee, the top local professional qualifier, produced an awful 15-over 87. The pair fill the 128th and 129th positions on the leaderboard going in to the second round.

Keep track of Grace's progress in the desert... and all the rest of the sport with me in South Africa's new tabloid Scoop! on Sunday... available at all reputable street corners and outlets in Gauteng and KZN. See also www.scoopnews.co.za

Harry Redknapp: The full incredible story of his trial...and his dog's bank account at Barklays

What you probably don’t know about Harry Redknapp, the famous Spurs manager currently in court for tax evasion in London, is just how popular the bloke is.

Father of the talented Jamie, now a television presenter after a successful career with Liverpool and England, Our ‘Arry is beloved of journalists and would be a popular choice to take over the England job if Fabio Capello resigns after Euro 2012 later this year.

Badly injured in a car crash which killed his close mate and Bournemouth FC owner Brian Tiler at the World Cup in 1990, ‘Arry is not your typical frosty football boss.

As he approaches what used to be a pensionable age – he’ll be 65 on March 2 – ‘Arry has manipulated Spurs into a position of title contention after taking over from the clueless Juande Ramos three years ago with the club languishing at the bottom of the Premier League.

Conviction for tax fraud for one of Britain’s great sporting icons, who took a break from his beloved bench to undergo heart surgery last year, is simply unthinkable.

Through a long, largely successful career in management (West Ham, Portsmouth, Southampton, Portsmouth again and now Tottenham) after a modest stint as a player mostly at West Ham and Bournemouth, he has always been good for a quote, a larf, a sound-bite.

I say always. There was the time he said he’d "sue the b*******" off one my old mate Rob Beasley, the News of the World football reporter who asked too many questions about his tax dealings. Still, at least he’s outlasted the newspaper.

Harry’s problem revolves around a bank account set up in his dog’s name – Rosie47 (the dog and the year of his birth) was allegedly the Monaco-based off-shore home for his ill-gotten gains.

Now, after all those years of entertainment, we are told by the court in Southwark that he has been "feigning ignorance" about his illegal dealings “for six years before his arrest” despite telling police “I’m not on the fiddle” as he and his former Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric were questioned over two payments amounting to £189,000.

Redknapp insists his dog’s account – soon to be moved to Hounduras, Barklays Bank, apparently, using a pawpal transfer according to the wags – was built up through transfer profit bonuses. Mandaric, unfortunately, insists the money was “an investment fund” set up outside of football.

John Black QC, prosecuting in the tax evasion trial at Southwark Crown Court this week, recounted a conversation between Beasley and Redknapp. ‘Arry told the reporter: “I’ve got the best accountants in England, the Inland Revenue know about Monaco.”

But  Beasley then mentioned Mandaric's explanation and ‘Arry said: "He don't know what he is f***ing talking about. What is he talking about? It is a bonus."

Redknapp insisted the cash came from profits made on the sale of Peter Crouch from Portsmouth to Aston Villa – he was later to sign the gangly striker again at Spurs.

He added: "If it was something dodgy I would have gone over there and brought it back in a briefcase."

When Beasley asked him whether he had paid any tax in the UK on it, Redknapp replied: "Haven't been asked to, Rob."

Redknapp said "there ain't nothing crooked in it" and told Beasley: "Don't say bung. It's nothing to do with a bung. It's paid by the chairman.

 "How can it be a bung when the chairman of the football club paid me? What's a bung? It's a f****** sick word."

It’s the idea of ‘Arry being paid the money in to an account in his dog’s name that has really captured the imagination though. Redknapp declared the account to tax inspectors just before he left Portsmouth for Spurs in 2008 and told police he thought the “Rosie account” was dormant and that he didn’t know Mandaric, now 73 and chairman of Sheffield Wednesday, had put any money in it.

Redknapp told the police: “Milan's probably lost it. I could show you people who I have lent money to in investments.

"It would blow your brains away, the money I have squandered but then I do trust people, that's the way I live my life.

"I was told I wasn't liable for income tax on so many occasions. For the sake of that amount of money or any amount of money, I don't fiddle. I pay my tax since I have been in football my entire life. I pay every penny."

But the prosecution says ‘Arry only mentioned the Monaco account after he was questioned during the Premier League-led Quest investigation in 2006.

Mr Black said: "The existence of the bank account was not registered to Revenue and Customs for a period of six years, two months... after Mr Redknapp was first arrested and questioned in the course of this investigation.

 “It's clear that it was only at this time that Mr Redknapp brought to the attention the existence of the Monaco bank account, feigning almost total ignorance of its existence, its operation and its contents."

Redknapp and Mandaric deny two counts of cheating the taxman. The trial continues...

Read Scoop!, South Africa's new Sunday tabloid for more from me on this story - available at Gauteng and KZN outlets. See also www.scoopnews.co.za

Tragic truth behind sport's fallen stars: suicide lurks says Dean Windass

Dean Windass is a bit of a character. Talented, effective, funny. As a professional footballer he never ­played for the glamour clubs in Manchester or London, but he did okay. He earned R5 million a year, bought high-fashion R2 000 T-shirts and “every new car” on the market.

A month ago, he attempted to kill himself. Twice. He’s not ashamed to admit: “I felt I had no purpose any more, I had nothing to get up for.”

Like Gary Speed, the former Wales manager who hanged himself in his garage in November, Windass is 42. He retired from football two years ago. And he simply can’t handle it.

Though South Africa has no detailed history of former sports stars attempting suicide, the British are awash with them. Frank Bruno, the former world heavyweight champion, tried it. So did Paul Gascoigne, perhaps the greatest footballer of his ­time. Two of England’s most popular sportsmen – yet nothing was done.

Windass admitted to the Sunday People’s Katie Hind (who kindly gave me her permission to reprint the quotes): “Just over a week ago I hit rock-bottom and decided to end it all. I took an overdose first – and when that didn’t work tried to hang myself.

“I have cried every day for the last two years since retiring. People outside football think we have it all. I felt so alone and believed I had nothing to live for. I was in a hole that I didn’t know how to get out of.

“I need to sort myself out which is why I’m speaking out now.”

This week Windass attempted to seek counselling at the Sporting Chance Clinic, run by former Arsenal and England star Tony Adams, who also suffers from depression.

But Windass was told he cannot check in until next month for therapy sessions because the centre in London is fully booked with other former sportsmen and women who desperately need help for a range of problems.

In a statement which may resonate with former sports stars in South Africa, he says: “I hope by speaking out it may help anyone else who is feeling as desperate as I was and that the PFA or FA can help. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, it is my fault, but hopefully it will help some people like me who are out there.”

Windass admits he had it all after his Wembley play-off winning goal in May 2008 against Bristol City which sent his hometown club Hull City into the Premier League for the first time in their 104-year history.

That goal alone was estimated to be worth £60 million (R720 million) in TV revenue. He played at the top for 19 years with Middlesbrough, Sheffield United, Bradford City and Aberdeen as well as Hull.

He admits: “I wasn’t in the superstar bracket but I was pulling in well over half a million pounds a year, so money was no object. Harvey Nichols was my middle name. I would buy £200 shirts, I’d live in D&G and Prada. Every time a new car came out, Audi or BMW, I would buy it. Top-of-the-range cars were my thing.

“I had a big family house in Leeds worth over a million. I was treated ­like a superstar wherever I went. Now I am living off what little savings I have but they are running out. I did some work for Sky Sports which I loved but that came to an end.

“I’ve tried really hard to get a job. I did all of my coaching qualifications while I was playing. I put my CV into loads of clubs for a coach­ing job but you don’t hear anything back.”

Windass, a rugged, no-nonsense player with a ­nose for goals and entertainment, shrugs: “People have this image of me as this big strong man who can take anything life throws at him. But I’m not ashamed to say I wanted to end it.”

After his retirement as a player at Hull two years ago, Dean turned to booze, often downing 10 to 15 pints of lager and lime. His 18-year marriage to Helen, a 45-year-old police officer, fell apart. He was estranged from his sons Josh, 18, and Jordan, 12.

He admits: “I was aggressive, I’d smash glasses and Helen had had enough which was understandable.

“There were arguments and arguments and then I went off with some­one else. I met her in Hull in a pub. I moved into her house. I split up with her last week.”

And that was when he hit his low­est point. He explained: “Just days ago, alone and drunk at my home in Hull, I swallowed a load of tablets – I think they were painkillers.

“Luckily a friend turned up and made me throw up. I knew I’d been a fool but I couldn’t shake off the depress­ion.

“The next day another dark cloud emerged so I drowned my sorrows with half a bottle of amaretto liqueur.

“I was just over an hour’s drive away from my wife and family in Leeds but it felt like the other side of the world. I thought ‘I don’t want to be in this world any more’.

“I tried to use a bedsheet to hang myself and tied it to a handrail at the top of the stairs but it was too long.

“I was quite drunk and couldn’t get it to work so I got a belt instead. At that point another friend came round so I couldn’t go through with it. Now I’m trying to get better, get back on track. I don’t want to be miserable every day.”

Windass admits the death of Speed, a rival on the pitch, had impact. He said: “He must have been feeling in a similar way to me. When I heard the news I thought that could be me and I continued down that dark corridor of depression.”

“People outside football think we have it all, but we don’t. Look at Stan Collymore (a former England striker, now a radio presenter) and what he’s been through with depression. There’s this assumption ‘he’s a footballer, he’s all right’.

“Everyone thinks that Dean Windass is a laugh and a joke and a kid blah blah blah, and got loads of money and his ­wife and kids are lovely. But that’s all a mask. I was in piec­es, I couldn’t stop drinking or crying. I’ve cried every day for the last two years.

“With no job I’d get up, go for a run and hit the pub. I could still play the big guy because everyone knew me and wanted to buy me a drink.

“But after necking pint after pint I’d take my frustrations out on the family. The follow­ing day I’d repeat the same pattern and tell my wife I was popping out to buy a paper. I couldn’t get work anywhere and blew nearly all my savings. I couldn’t even afford to pay for my son’s motor insurance.

“I scored the winning goal at Wembley to get Hull into the Premiership and foolishly thought I was made for life.

“After I finished playing for Hull I got an assistant manager job at non-league Darlington with Colin Todd which was my dream but we got sacked. It wasn’t a lot of money but it wasn’t about that. I wanted to coach – I wanted to manage.

“That ended and I became increasingly depressed.”

Now Windass is appealing to football’s governing body: “The Professional Footballers’ Association or FA need to help us.”

With great candour, he confesses: “Footballers? We’re not the brightest but you play football all your life.”

This story ran in South Africa's new Sunday tabloid Scoop! last Sunday, along with a long list of sporting suicides and a contact number for local sportsmen who have been where Dean was. For further information see www.scoopnews.co.za.

Why always me? Here's why Mario, we just don't know what to make of your particular talents

"The boy should have been off. Balotelli has kicked Scott Parker in the head . He's back-heeled him in the head. He does it a lot, I've seen it. What does Scottie think? He thinks he kicked him in the head. I don't know why you would do that on a football pitch. Have a look at it on your machines. It's there for everybody to see."
With those words from Harry Redknapp, Mario Balotelli's place right at the forefront of our footballing headlines were assured.
By then, the experts in the Premier League's international studio had already assured us that the Ghanian-born Italian's graceless stomping on the prone Parker were deliberate.
Andy Townsend insisted "the FA should take another look at that" while Alan Curbishley had "no doubts about it". The first stagger, where a foot cracked Parker as Balotelli came down from an attempted shot, looked like an accident. But the second, a wicked stab of the heel, looked pretty damning.
But of course, the reason Balotelli stays at the forefront of our minds is that he doesn't stop at petulance and nastiness. He also throws in a dose of good football. And in this case, that meant going down in injury time for the vital Manchester City winner.
And then getting up to stick the penalty past Brad Friedel, the oldest and best in the Premier League, though you wouldn't think so if he passed you in the street dressed in a suit.
While the travelling Spurs fans and Redknapp vented their fury at the injustice of it all, they might have considered the greatest unfairness of all. That Jermain Defoe is only 5ft 6ins high. I've stood next to him. Knee high to the proverbial Zurich Grasshopper.
When Gareth Bale, scorer of an excellent leveller to make it 2-2 after nine frantic second half minutes featuring four goals, crossed the ball shortly before the Balotelli penalty, Defoe looked nailed on to score.
But his little legs just weren't long enough, the toe cap put the ball wide and City went up the other end to finish the challenge of the cheeky North Londonders forever.
Harry, after adding a few more choice Balotelli comments (unless I'm mistaken, he accused him of serial stomping), said: ''We had a great chance when Gareth laid it across to Jermain, we were all up on our seats thinking it was 3-2. It proves we're as good as anyone, they weren't better than us today but they nicked it in the 94th minute.
''We had a bad two or three minutes and conceded the two goals but we showed great character to come back and I could see us winning from there.'
Harry might consider the fate of Ledley King after this. Spurs had never lost with their perpectually injured centreback in the team. He barely trains due to an ongoing battle of the wounded knees. But he looked knackered for that last-gasp City foray into Tottenham's box. The foul on Balotelli was a nailed on penalty. The King is due for usurping with the pipe and slippers.
With Arsenal being completely outplayed by chasing Manchester United, it was another bad day for North London against the Mancunians. Back in August, when Arsenal lost 8-2 to United and Spurs were done 5-1 by City, it amounted to 13-3 in favour of the northerners.
It won't be as bad this time - Arsenal went down 2-1 despite yet another Robin van Persie goal - but the result is the same. Capital punishment. This title will be decided in Manchester.
For Arsenal, with two wins in seven games, the more worrying aspect of their defeat against United came with the crowd's response to the subsitution of the excellent young Southampton signing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. With the out-of-sorts Andrei Arshavin coming on and a bumbling Theo Walcott looking embarrassed not to be replaced, the boos rang around the Emirates.
A few minutes later Danny Wellbeck won the game with Arshavin - featuring prominently on the box - failing to make a tackle.
Can Arsene Wenger survive another long-term assault from the critics?

The face of the man who could bring cricket to its knees: England's first convicted match fixer faces jail

This is the little-known face of the cheat who could bring cricket to its knees. Essex paceman Mervyn Westfield faces jail after becoming the first Englishman convicted of match-fixing.

He will be sentenced on 10 February but – with three Pakistani cricketers jailed in England last year over similar charges – the 23-year-old is expected to name further fixers in the game as he bids to get his sentence reduced.

Westfield was warned by Judge Anthony Morris: “Mr Westfield, I hold out no promises but it is open to the court to pass an immediate custodial sentence.”

Morris also promised to name the “well-known” cricketing character who paid Westfield. The ECB announced an amnesty on match-fixers last Friday in an attempt to get further corruption out in the open – but Cricket South Africa refused to accept the need for something similar in this country despite the shadow of the late Hansie Cronjé’s match-fixing, exposed in 2000.

One CSA spokesman told Scoop! last Friday: “Nobody in South Africa is under suspicion.” But Herschelle Gibbs, who admitted to trying to fix an innings in India in 2000 and still plays for the Cobras, received only a six-month ban from cricket.

Westfield, once considered a Test contender, effectively threw his career away for £6 000 (R72 000) when he promised to allow 12 runs to be scored off the first over of a Pro40 match against Durham in September 2009.

Though he bowled a wide, only 10 runs were conceded. Westfield’s legal team argued their client had not gone through with the fix, but the judge said he found it “difficult to accept”that he would not have been paid.

The game was broadcast live on Sky across India and Pakistan, making it eminently fixable. Westfield conceded 60 runs from his seven overs but Essex went on to win by seven wickets.

Born in Romford near London, Westfield boasted about his ill-gotten earnings to col¬leagues, who blew the whistle.

Westfield’s conviction is a huge embarrassment for English cricket, coming three months after Pakistan stars Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir were jailed for spot-fixing.

This story first appeared in Scoop! South Africa's new Sunday tabloid. See www.scoopnews.co.za

It is never pleasant being attacked by a swan. Ask Arsene Wenger

Up the Swanny: Arsenal beaten 3-2

I was attacked by a swan once, circa 1999. When I invaded his island with my son Kriss on the Misbourne River in Chalfont St Peter, Buckinghamshire. His name was King Tut. Hit me with his wing, left a mark like a baseball bat on my back. Still have nightmares, falling face first in the river, nearly unconscious.

And it felt like that watching Arsenal play the Swans yesterday. Hit by a baseball bat. Drowning in mediocrity. De Ja-bloody-vu it was.  A nerve-jangling, devastating 3-2 defeat to follow the appalling reverse against Fulham, the hopeless draw against Wolves. And Manchester United to come to the Emirates next week. Oh, God, no.

Swansea manager Brendan Rodgers, the former Chelsea youth boss who struggled in charge at Reading, is loving his life of freedom at the Liberty Stadium. They actually outplayed Arsenal, out-passed them. Afterwards he said: "We have a great belief that we can play and pass. Some of our ball retention today was incredible. It's always going to be a fantastic football game against Arsenal. Strictly come passing! They've been doing it for years, we're only beginning. It's great to win such a game."

Predictably, Arsene Wenger kicked-off his post-match comments insisting "it was never a penalty" and said: "We missed some great chances at 3-2, and at this level we cannot afford that. We made massive mistakes on the third goal. It's difficult to explain. We'd just come back to 2-2 we knew we had what it takes to score the third goal.

"It's a bit down to the fact we shuffled the defence around, some players do not play in that position. But in the last two games we have given away cheap goals.

"They played well, they're a good side. They had a lot of possession in their half. But it's just a side like ours. At 1-0 up and 2-2 we don't want to make mistakes like we did.

"I feel we can still make a strong bid for the top four. But today and at Fulham, we lost the game. And we cannot afford that."

The start was predictable enough,. Robin van Persie, as ever, got the early goal, a personal best 18 for the season. It's going to be a record for the Dutch master. I bite the coffee table, snog the cat... and the security in my fingerprinted estate in Centurion on the Hennops River in South Africa (where there are many, many swans, black and white) was called to investigate the screams.

Then what happens?

The only Welsh side in the Premier League gets one back. The softest of penalties as Aaron Ramsey - yes, a Welshman - touches a home player. Nathan Dyer, superb yesterday, collapsed like the Dying Swan, but without the balletic grace.
Dyer said afterwards: "What a massive confidence boost. We passed it around well, played them at their own game. We've got the same philosophy as they have. It was a great game of football for the neutrals."

On the penalty, he said: "He kicked my foot, I just went over. Look, we're just enjoying playing in the Premier League. Every game, luckily for us we're doing well. We've got a good work ethic."

Scott Sinclair - five from five from the spot this season - tucks away the penalty, Sche... Swech... the Polish keeper can't get to it and it's 1-1. Swansea are holding the ball like Arsenal used to when they had Samir Nasri, Cesc Fabregas and Jack Wilshere (remember him? Me Neither) and then Van Persie gets another sight of goal... and fails to beat Michel Vorm with a much easier chance than his first.

Dyer flashes a shot in, 40 minutes gone, this time Scze... Schew... the Polish keeper gets to it. But it's only a matter of time. Like the devastating Fulham defeat, Arsenal have the lead but can't hold it. Can't even hold the ball.

Half-time. Level at 1-1. The agony is just beginning. Surely not a defeat against the promoted Swans? Not this weekend when Spurs dropped two points at Wolves and fourth place remains a realistic hope? Lose this and we're four behind Chelsea in the last Champions League spot.

On the Premier League's international programme we watch here on SuperSport in SA, Andy Townsend says he can't see a touch by Ramsey on Dyer. Alan Curbishley says he can. All I can see is Ramsey doing the splits, barely brushing Dyer. The Arsenal man is lucky to escape injury. Dyer is lucky to escape an Oscar.

But it matters not. As we shall see very soon, this Arsenal side is far too fragile. They are not Champions League material, though they have qualified to face AC Milan in the knock-out stages next month. This will be their last European Cup campaign for a while.

After 56 of those agonising minutes, Wojciech Szczesny (yes, that's the Polish keeper, with the J, W, Y and two Zs in all the right places) is beaten again. Nathan, the Dyer Swan, capitalises after yet another stray pass from Andrei Arshavin, the bloke who once said he qualified as a fashion designer at home in St Petersburg.

Go back to the needlework, Meerkat. It's only fair. Your species may scare snakes, but these Swans were entirely impervious to your threat. Off he went, past Wenger, substituted without even an apology to the baying Gooners so desperate for a sniff of a trophy after six lean years.

On the hour mark, the bearded wonder arrives. Thierry Henry. Scorer of the only goal on his comeback debut on loan from the New York Red Bulls. Will this be a repeat of the 2-1 defeat at Fulham or the 1-0 FA Cup win over Leeds?

It’s going to be neither. First Theo Walcott levels, a brilliant finish for once from the man we all hoped for so much from. But within 45 seconds, David Graham has the Swans back in front. Per Mertesacker fails to see the run. Inexplicably, he stops. Szczesny gets his angles all wrong.  That's the 25th goal conceded away from home for a ramshackle team of supposed title contenders.

On Twitter, the world explodes. Virtual roars, oaths and despair. Incredible. Dramatic. Conceding in seconds. Never seen anything like it.

Oh yes we have. Remember the 4-0 lead against Newcastle that became a 4-4 draw? Remember Fulham a couple of weeks ago? That’s when we saw it. Arsenal fans are used to it. We can’t defend a lead. Not even four goals.

I can see King Tut coming down the river at me, framed by weeping willows. Swans are dangerous. Especially on their own territory. I said it at half-time, it was back to haunt us all, we Gooners.

Mertesacker misses a chance to level from a corner, then he is removed by Wenger, who is going for broke. Apparently the German has an illness. But he appears to have been off-colour since January when he made his surprising arrival in North London. Sick as a bloody parrot he's been.

I've seen better centre-backs in South Africa... try Erick "Tower" Mathoho at Bloemfontein Celtic, Arsene. Or perhaps you could approach rivals Spurs and ask if you could have Bongani Khumalo, the cool Bafana Bafana centrehalf, currently not being used on loan by Reading.

As a Ramsey header thumps in to Vorm's chest, we have seven minutes left. Manchester United to come next weekend, and Arsenal are 3-2 down to Swansea, who have been creating chances at the other end. Appalling.

Tomas Rosicky has two late chances, Koscielny has another, Vorm repels them comfortably. Van Persie wriggles and writhes in injury time, but nothing can save them. For the sixth time this season, the travelling Goonners fall silent.

Swans? They're a bloody nightmare.